SIDE 1

Polynesia
 

You studied in Polynesia?
 

No, I studied with Polynesia. She s my parrot.
 

Dolittle, what kind of fool do you take me for?
 

I really don t know you well enough to judge, sir. With all due respect, Your Worship, I would appreciate an opportunity to prove my point by talking to any animal you care to nominate&
 

Very well. My dog Rufus is outside. Bailiff, bring in Rufus!
 

Call Rufus Bellowes.

(BELLOWES large dog RUFUS enters. DOLITTLE barks at him and shakes his left leg. RUFUS barks back. Dog dialogue ensues. The BAILIFF, uncertainly, approaches RUFUS with a bible.)
 

Raise your right paw.
 

Er& I think we can dispense with that formality.
(The BAILIFF returns to his place.)
Ask him what I had for dinner last night.
 

Very Wellbr>(DOLITTLE barks at RUFUS and RUFUS barks back.)
Did he?... Did he?... Did he?(bark)
Really? That much, eh?
 

What did he say?
 

DOLITTLEI m grateful that Your Lordship acknowledges the fact that the dog was talking!

(The CROWD laughs and applauds.)


 

SIDE 2

(POLYNESIA the parrot stands on Dolittle s desk, watching as MADELINE ushers in GENERAL BELLOWES, a ferocious-looking man not used to being kept waiting. He bursts unceremoniously into the room, leaning heavily on a walking-stick, and hobbling on a heavily bandaged foot.)

Won t you please come in, General Bellowes? What seems to be the problem?

These pills you gave me last week. They ve done absolutely nothing to cure my gout!

(BELLOWES lobs the bottle of pills into the air. To catch them, DOLITTLE drops the heavy book he is holding. It lands on BELLOWES bandaged foot. He roars with pain, and staggers back, falling into a large armchair. He screams in a renewed agony, leaping back up on to his feet and clutching his rear.)

Aaah! What was that?!

(calmly)
Oh, don t worry! You just sat on Herbert.

Who the devil is Herbert?

He s a hedgehog!

What s a hedgehog doing in a doctor s office?

He s recuperating.

Recuperating? A hedgehog? From what?

He had a narrow escape from the hounds of The Puddleby Fox Hunt, of which I believe you are Master. He s also recovering from being sat on.

Never mind that. What about my gout? And those useless pills?

Well, let s see now.
(looks at the pills)
Ah, no wonder! These are Jip s distemper pills. I wondered what had happened to them.

Jip?

My dog. This explains why he s not feeling any better, either!  I ve been treating him for gout! Here, Jip!
(JIP trots gratefully over to DOLITTLE, who pops a pill into his mouth. JIP barks in gratitude. DOLITTLE takes a second bottle of pills from his desk and offers them to BELLOWES.)
Here, we d better swap. Sorry about that.

(furious)
I think you d better make up your mind, sir, whether you re running a medical practice or an animal sanctuary! Goodday, sir!

(BELLOWES staggers out of the room. DOLITTLE shakes his head in despair.))

SIDE 3

They are only available for a four-week guest engagement.
 

Done!
 

Share all profits equally.
 

Er...
(GERTIE nudges him.)
Done!
 

Two performances a day.
 

Nein!! Four performances a day!
 

Wait.
(Both LLAMAS shake their heads.)
We have a problem
 

Well, what do they want?
 

Three shows a day.
(GERTIE whispers to BLOSSOM.)
 

And four on Saturday?
(Both HEADS nod.)
 

They agree!


 

SIDE 4

Quack, quack.
 

... it seems he d had a row with his wife, wasn t looking where he was going, and flew straight into the mast of some fishing boat.
 

You mean he told you all that?
 

Yes...
(administrating to DAB-DAB))
Quack, quack, quack! There we are.
 

Quack, quack, quack.
 

You ll be all right by the morning.
 

Quack, quack, quack.
 

(to DAB-DAB)
Absolutely, I ll get word to your wife.

SIDE 5

Mind you, Jip seemed perfectly happy with the gout pills. You see, that s the difference between animals and people, Maddie. Animals don t complain!
 

The truth is, Doctor, you prefer animals to people!
 

Animals are so much nicer than people! I care about animals! That s probably why I m such a terrible people doctor!

(POLYNESIA speaks for the first time.)
 

Then you should be an animal doctor.
 

(thoughtfully)
An animal doctor?

Why not? I could bring you hundreds of patients. Mildred was saying just the other day that there isn t a decent animal doctor for miles around!

Who s Mildred?

Farmer Green s cow.

You mean you spoke to her? Animals can actually talk to one another?

Well, of course we can! Do you think we re all dumb?

I  uh  uh  no!! No. I knew that parrots could talk, of course&

Parrots are the finest linguists in the animal kingdom. I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn.

Unicorn?

I had a classical education.

SIDE 6

The same.
(STRAIGHT ARROW smiles and extends his hand. He and DOLITTLE embrace and shake hands.)
Welcome to Popsipetel! This is the capital of Sea Star Island!
 

Capital, indeed!
(to EMMA)
You see? I told you it was civilized!
 

(greeting them)
Please forgive that unfortunate welcome! Customs and Immigration thought you were invading us! But happily, you re just in time for tea!
(Two WARRIORS carry in a giant tea tray.)
Earl Grey, cucumber sandwiches and Dundee cake. Tuck in, Tommy.

(TOMMY and MADELINE dive into the sandwiches, EMMA pours the tea, and DOLITTLE and STRAIGHT ARROW resume their conversation.)

(indicating the tea)
Seeing all this, I  er  take it you have  er  visited England.

Ten years. Harrow and Oxford. That s how I got my nickname.

Nickname?

Straight Arrow. When I was ten, my father wanted me to go straight to Harrow, so that s what they called me.  Straight to Harrow.

(amused)
Good Lord! I wish I d known! We could have avoided all those years of picture writing! This is a truly remarkable place!

I pride myself that Sea Star Island is the world s most perfect animal sanctuary!