SIDE 1

LAVENDER

Matilda, do all those brains in your head give you a headache? I mean it's got to hurt, all squished in there.

MATILDA

No, it's fine. I think they just... fit.

LAVENDER

Well, I'd better hang around just in case they start to squeeze out of your ears. I'm Lavender. And I think it's probably for the best if we're best friends.

(LAVENDER holds her hand out. They shake. NIGEL enters, panicked.)

NIGEL

Hide me! Someone poured a whole can of treacle onto Trunchbull's chair! Someone told her I did it and now she's after me!

MATILDA

That's not fair!

BIG KID 2

Once Agatha Trunchbull decides you're guilty you are squished.

END

SIDE 2

NIGEL

Cat; C-A... F! Cat.

(TRUNCHBULL glares at him.)

I... I got it wrong, Miss. You have to put me in chokey too.

TRUNCHBULL

Whaaaat...?

ERIC

Dog; D-Y-P. Dog. And me.

AMANDA

Table; X-A-B-F-Y. And me.

TRUNCHBULL

What are you doing? What's going on? Stop this!

HORTENSIA

You can't put us all in chokey. Banana; G-T-A-A-B-L!

MATILDA

Bully; P-Y-T-L-F-D-R-V-S-W

END

SIDE 3

TRUNCHBULL

(to MISS HONEY)

Sit.

(MISS HONEY sits.)

Miss Honey, you believe in kindness and fluffiness and books and stories. That is not teaching! To teach the child, we must first break the child.

(She blows a whistle. The KIDS march on, stop, silent. Pause.)

Quiet you maggots!!!

MISS HONEY

But no one was speaking, Miss Trunchbull.

TRUNCHBULL

Miss Honey, when I say 'Quiet, you maggots', you are entirely included in that statement. Where is my jug of water?

LAVENDER

I'll get it Miss Trunchbull.

(LAVENDER gets up. She is hugely excited. She cannot help but give the audience a huge

thumbs-up as she goes.)

TRUNCHBULL

Stupid girl.

(to the others)

Look at you. Flabby! Disgusting! Revolting! Revolting, I say! I think it's time we toughened you all up with a little... Phys-ed.

END